Like Lou Gramm of Foreigner once crooned, be a jukebox hero. A juke-box affords a public opportunity to select moodful tunes and display an eclectic musical canon. In the right hands, greatest hits are tabled so that B-sides may shine.
Your dollar is a well-considered three-act passion play, not a heedless afterthought. Do not feel constrained by random shuffle play-put a set together. Range the emotions and forage deep. Do a "double-shot" and your genius will be noticed. Avoid the pitfalls of the vapid and eschew standards of heavy rotation. Can't you do better than “Brown-Eyed Girl” or "Margaritaville?" At every enlightened venue, you will find The Best of Blondie, Saturday Night Fever, and Neil Diamond's favorites. These are a constant presence, like the flu. Be underground radio, not Casey Kasem. When in doubt or rushed to return for your pool shot, toss in a guaranteed crowd-pleaser. In the event of sudden dead air, make a quick choice from the current open page.
Before final selections, tour the entire menu: don't squander a dollar before you've seen the merchandise (though, first-pitch fastball swinging is allowed for an especially tasty number). Don't be one-minded: mix it up and enhance the vibe of the room. Like at a railroad crossing, stop, look, and listen: perhaps a touch of the blues or the dive special (any Allman Brothers' song over twelve minutes) is in order. As long as Devo's "We’re Through Being Cool" isn't your first selection, give the people what they want. In any case, the "no Kenny Loggins" lamp is always light.
Exercise restraint before fulfilling some inner-alcoholic, inexplicable-need for a tired favorite like 'Start Me Up.” However. the above guidelines are suspended when: "impairment" becomes an understatement, the waitress has joined your party, or you are a regular patron.
THE BIG SPENDER
When settled in for an evening's entertainment. go ahead and splurge on the eighteen-song super set. Your wrinkle-free Lincoln can provide the soundtrack for a solid, golden hour. Don't tarry-popular jukeboxes boast large backlogs, forcing a twenty-minute wait before your medley begins. Select early, so that "Superstition" won't be just starting just as you settle the tab. If someone is already at the helm, offer a "settlement." For example, Tesauro steps up to the box and spies a young lass frustrated because the bill acceptor is spitting back her tattered buck: May l offer you some fresh currency? Why don't you give me your dollar. I'll put in a five, and qualify us for the extra songs . . .like the upper-section 35-point bonus in Yahtzee. The catch? I get to pick the first song; you can have the next three. As the benefactor, I retain veto power. Shall we dance?
TABLETOP DINER MODELS
Famished in Jersey diner late one evening, you encounter a diminutive, tabletop, twenty-five-cent mono jukebox nestled behind the A-I Sauce. Soak in the play list: ne'er heard Billyjoel singles sit beside Elton John's "I'm Still Standing," just above Bobby Darin's "Mack the Knife," to the left of "That's Amore!” If you have at least a booth's-length from the nearest revelers. punch up the volume from LO to HI.
NINE INCH NAILING
After an especially horrible experience of poor service, repeat short pours, or unsavory clientèle, its clearly time to leave the bar. Even if you harbor enough resentment to piss in the corner pocket, stop and instead user your underdeveloped superego to produce a gift for everyone. Pure fury is much sweeter when spread out over the course of $5. This is the time for stuffing the jukebox with “Lets get Physical.” Put that dusty Irish Drinking Songs on repeat (after three or four plays, “The Rover” ceases to be pleasant). Perhaps you might go for the darker side- play the last four songs on Nine Inch Nail's Downward Spiral, repeatedly. If you are a victim of Nine Inch Nailing, simply yank the plug and start over.
Mollod, Phineas, and Jason Tesauro. the Modern Gentleman: A Guide to Essential Manners, Savvy & Vice. Berkeley . Toronto: Ten Speed Press, 2002.
